Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Ch..ch..ch.. Changes: A Very Personal Post.

Hey guys, today's post is completely out of the norm for me as it has nothing got to do with make-up or beauty at all. 

I've been watching loads of Wayne Goss's youtube videos and one in particular really struck a cord. "When Friends Change", I won't go into detail about the video, but take a look if you have a few minutes to spare. It'll help to make sense of the following.

I'll give you a bit of back round to my story and I do apologise as you'll probably think its a load of bull, but hey, my blog is my outlet.

Growing up I had never the pretty girl or the skinny girl (I'm still not!), I was always a friend, but never a girlfriend but I had some really great friends, I still do, both male and female and I'm so thankful to have them now, one in particular. So my first kiss came rather late in life and my first relationship came even later. I just want to point out that being 18 or 20 or 25 and never having a boyfriend is NOTHING to be ashamed of! It shouldn't matter what age you are when all these things happen, and if someone judges you on that then they're not worth your time. 

I had known this guy (we'll call him *Bob) for a few years and on New Years eve 2011/2012 we met in the club and something clicked. We'd started dating for a few few months and on the 2nd of May we became 'official' (change of facebook status the LOT!) Everything was going brilliant, then it started to slowly go downhill, I didn't realise at the time because I was genuinely falling in love. There were problems, as with all relationships, He was very focused on his career and he had a job, so the time we spent together was limited, but I always bent over back words to find a way to spend time with him. It was good, We were in love.
Fast forward to Christmas 2012 and New Years 2012/2013. We were fighting like cats and dogs, New Years eve (which should have been really special as it was exactly a year since we got together) was spent with us not talking to each other, me crying for most of it and him spending the night on the couch and me sobbing in bed. Disaster. We sorted it out, as you do. 

There was always a problem though, Trust and that's a problem that's not easily fixed, In my opinion I'm not sure it can be fixed. 

During the first year together his family moved house and with him working, I had to move the bulk of his things. I found a letter.. A letter to his ex girlfriend saying that he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, rings, marriage, kids the whole hog. He still kelp in contact with her, so I was always a bit worried about the situation. That's when I started not to trust him. That and the fact that because he was from a very popular family (due to their hobbies and profession) people would text and mail him non stop. Girl people. It got to the stage that on the 2nd of January I snapped and asked him if there was any else since he had stared going out with me. 
That's when my heart literally broke. His words were "I won't lie to you, there's been one other girl". *Bob had slept with someone else when he was away on a stag due, all the while mailing me telling me he missed me and couldn't wait to see me again. 

To cut a long story short, not only did he cheat on me, but from January this year to the day we split up he lied to me constantly about who he was going out with and where, He would continually text an old flame of his non stop, he even asked a girl out on a date. I seen it with my own eyes. "Hey hun, need to get this off my chest, would you go out with me if I was single? xx". I tried to leave, he'd hold me back and say he'd change. I tried so hard to make it work, I really did. Going as far as changing myself for him. Then one day I couldn't take it anymore, on 2nd of April I told him it was over. I was sick of being made complete dirt of, feeling small, insignificant, ugly, unworthy (I could go on and on!).

Looking at Goss's video today made me think about the relationship and how I changed because of it. A few things Wayne said really got to me and made me think. 

*Bob was always top of my list, I would have done anything for him and I did! Anything that made his life easier was done, I put my life on hold for him, I was prepared to give everything up just to suit him, his life and his career moves. I convinced myself that I was to blame for his texting other girls, I made excuses for his actions. Worst of all, I put my friends on hold and its the biggest regret I'll ever have in life! I swore before I got into a relationship that it wouldn't happen, but it did. 

When my male friend (we'll call him *Tim) called I would ignore it, my replies were few and far between even though we were so close beforehand, we would talk everyday, we would hang out, we'd give each other abuse, we were best friends. Believe it or not he rang me while I was breaking up. Afterwards I text him and told him what happened, So he cycled.... yes cycled over 40km to my house, just to make sure I was ok. We talked about the whole situation, he hugged me while I cried and he made me feel OKAY. He gave me the kick up the arse I needed to realise that I did nothing wrong and that I was too good for *Bob. I've talked to *Tim nearly everyday since, I have my best friend back, and all the other friends I alienated along the way.

The video made me realise that I'm Wayne in terms of changing to suit someone, but I'm also his friend due to where my loyalties lay at the time (You'll need to have seen the video to know what the hell I'm talking about here!) Basically, there are two morals/lessons I've learned. 

1. Change: 
Change is good, a change of underwear, changing your car, moving house. Change in yourself is also good, but when you change yourself so much that you're not sure who you are anymore, then its bad. I promised myself that if anyone cheated on me then that would be it, No second chances. Yet there I was giving *Bob chance after chance and getting it all thrown back in my face. He was in the wrong, he knew it, but I was the one changing to make things work and that change is wrong. Be who you are and stay true to yourself. Never left anyone consciously or subconsciously make you think you need to change to suit them.

2. Boyfriends/Girlfriends come and go:
Don't forget about your friends, they're more than likely going to have to pick up the pieces when *Bob breaks your heart. Apparently everyone alienates their friends during their first relationship, but guys try not to do it! Set aside some time for those who have always been there. Make sure your loyalties lie in the right place. I'm one of the lucky ones and although *Tim gave out shit to me about ditching him, he forgave me and our friendship is better than ever. 

I'll never let anyone come between my friends and I again. I don't think I'd be as lucky as I was the first time. I'll also never change for someone else. Its very hard to see all the mistakes you make as you're making them, but you'll become aware of them eventually and you'll be able to fix them. 

Back to *Bob, He was the first person I've ever truly loved and there will, unfortunately, always be a place in my heart in which he resides in, saying that, I don't have an ounce of respect for him. He's a liar and a cheater and therefore I don't want, nor need him in my life. He's made trusting people near impossible for me and for that I hate him. 

Hopefully though, I'll find someone who I love and how loves me back and treats me as I do them. Until then, I'm focused on bettering myself, mentally and physically. I'm changing for the better, I'm changing for me and no-one else and I'm more than happy with getting the normal amount of friendly abuse from *Tim and my other friends.

Cint X 

2 comments :

  1. I'm sorry to hear about all the upset that has been caused by your ex boyfriend. If you're not true to yourself in a relationship, the relationship will never work. I realised this with my last partner and although at the time it was the hardest thing to do, breaking up with him gave me a brand new better life. Three years on and I'm now engaged to a wonderful man that loves me for who I am and I'm getting married next year. Adapting to change isn't easy, but sometimes its the best thing for us all.

    xx

    www.forevermissvanity.com

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, I get upset sometimes,but more so annoyed that I let it happen to be honest. You live, you learn and you have to get on with it.
      Some of the hardest and painful decisions are sometimes the best ones. I'm so happy that its worked out well! I can only hope that something like that happens me.. Fingers crossed :)

      Thanks for your lovely comment, means a lot! xx

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